“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
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There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
a fun game to play with a chiropractor is to go completely limp after they pop your neck just to see what they do
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
I swear Amazon is just dropping random shit off in front of my house at this point.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
me: this is dave. every word he says is brilliant
friend: hi dave
dave: brilliant
My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”
Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”
Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Me irl
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan