My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
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[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
Was it something I said?
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
good morning
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music