I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
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ME: I’m gonna punch my boss right on the nose
PRIEST: you can’t tell me about sins in advance
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
i choose….tongue
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
my first real experience with gang violence was the buttercream gang.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The pen is writier than the sword.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.