We’re quarantined with our laptops and our phones. If they’re not texting u back, they just don’t want to
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When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
Lies I tell at work:
~ I’m sorry I said that
~ I didn’t mean to offend you
~ It won’t happen again
~ Of course I don’t think you’re an idiot
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
From my Mom
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
I throw naked mini-wheats back in the box like I’m not the one who’s gonna get stuck with the bowl of naked mini-wheats in the end
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a little bit then give up and go look for food..