can’t catch a break
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The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again
Well, maybe we should get rid of it
The plant? But we just got it
. . .Haha yeah, the plant
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
HELP 😭
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you?
Me: Well, if you hire me, I will make all of your other employees look FANTASTIC by comparison.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
[stranded on deserted island]
*spells out message in rocks*
WHAT’S
THE
WIFI
PASSWORD
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Passengers: *gasp*
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Passengers: what
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it