5yo: *sniffling*
Me: “Need a tissue, Bud?”
5yo: *wipes nose with couch* “Why?”
You Might Also Like
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
waiter: *murdering me*
me: [after ordering the not getting murdered] no no this is fine
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”