Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
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Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Her: Thank goodness you brought home a bottle of Drano, but how did you know we had a clogged drain?
Me: *chugging the entire bottle* what?
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Me trying to look natural in photos
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.