NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
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Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Coworker: Do you have any kids?
Me: No
Coworker: Aaaw.
Me: But check back next week. Big shipment coming in. NO COPS.
Coworker: …are you okay?
Me: YOU WANT EM OR NOT?
nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
He took my last fry, your honor
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]