Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
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Oops
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
Well, this explains it:
me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
Me driving through Toronto
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
There is no such thing as a “silly goose.” Any goose displaying anything but pure malice is trying to lull you into a false sense of security.
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’