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Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
If my husband doesn’t start helping with the housework soon, we’ll need a crime scene cleaning crew.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Breaking news:
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 minutes long
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
my five year old was struggling getting his seat belt buckled. He tried multiple times unsuccessfully to get the tab into the buckle and yelled “it’s like they broke up!”
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still