ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
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me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
consequences, the bane of my existence
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Me: Am I the only one you’ve ever slept with?
Wife: Absolutely… the others were at least sevens and there was a TEN OMG!
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want