My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
You Might Also Like
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Wondering if Cap’n Crunch ever made Admiral. Or did he get stuck in a perpetual loop of sugary bureaucracy?
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
The French cow says MEUX…
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Teamwork makes the dream work.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
waiter: what would you like for breakfast?
me: toast
waiter: that’s weird but ok
[taps glass with fork]
waiter: i only just met this man but i can already tell he is a great guy, here is to new friends. [raises glass] to friends
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.