I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
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“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Hamburger Hinderer.
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
I got soap in my shower beer again.
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
A girl at work has the same shirt on as me, but I have a coffee stain down the front of mine, so it’s not awkward.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!