In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
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Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
daughter: and this one?
me: also carrots
daughter: I don’t like carrots
me: I know[how I’ve kept my 3 year old from opening the family gifts under the tree]
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Just waiting to hear those three special words… “there’s no evidence.”
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
Miscakes
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride