We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
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My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Can I watch The Meg if I haven’t Seen The Peter, The Lois, The Chris, The Stewie or The Brian yet?
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower