me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
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Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
Me at 20: I’m smarter than everyone in the world
Me at 28: I am so smart for going to the cheaper gas station
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If I don’t see two minivans lock reindeer antlers over a Target parking space tonight, what are the holidays even about?
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
I’m having an out of money experience.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.