[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
You Might Also Like
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Ate lunch made by a friend who’s a taxidermist. I’m stuffed.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
so weird how every mom was born today
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles