The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
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I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Pass gas, not judgment.
I am basic white bread.
…maybe buttered if I’m feeling fancy.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her: