Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
You Might Also Like
Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
I’d … I’d rather not.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
[1st date]
“My birthday is on April 20th, so 4/20. Isn’t that cool? When’s yours?”
Oh, umm *sweating* Sextember 69th
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove