What if the weather talks about us?
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that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Dance like you didn’t file your tax return.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 7.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife