When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
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In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry