If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
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*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
[at the club]
*crawling around on the floor*
HAS ANYONE SEEN MY DIAMOND STUD MAGNETIC EARRING?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games