the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
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Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
he looks great for his age
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I just ran a .003048K
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
Every smiling face in a conga line is pleading with you, “Please join our conga line, or we’ll feel stupid.” I didn’t start this mess. Get yourselves out of it.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’m tired tomorrow.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.