Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
You Might Also Like
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
Me: did you like that movie?
Toddler: yeah but we better watch it 3 times a day for the next month just to be sure.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
You call what I just did walking into a wall. I call it looking for walls I can pass through and marking that one off the list.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
7: [eating a bunch]
me:
7: I’m going thru a gross spurt.
me: that’s a good way to put it.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
6: are snakes just neck?
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.