It’s awkward standing in line at the store and the 5 year old behind me is wearing the same light up sketchers
You Might Also Like
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.