What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
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If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.
But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs