Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
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Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Can’t we just sew all of the candidates together & have the first multi-headed president?
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.