When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
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My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Before I had kids, I thought I had a great immune system, but it turns out I was just really good at staying away from the type of people who sneeze directly into your eyeballs while telling you a story.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade