You Might Also Like
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
The struggle is real
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Little known fact:
Young children’s bones are not the same as an adult. Children’s elbows are actually made of knives.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
No one asks you to hold their baby if you’re standing next to a wood chipper
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.