Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
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Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
Waiting for the Charmin
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
As a parent I can honestly say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I do have one that’s definitely going to be the cause of my first heart attack
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
Tell the colonel to bring it
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]