FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
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[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
peep davidson
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Rt to bother an English speaker
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
I don’t know why people get mad when someone uses their driveway to turn around. You get to feel the rage of someone dropping by unexpectedly followed by the orgasmic relief of them leaving.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!