WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
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Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
*gets to heaven*
omg grandpa!!
grandpa: *charging at me* you wore a jean jacket to my funeral you piece of shit
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Boss: Instead of raises, we’re having a team pizza party!
Me: I live in a storage shed. My bed is a wheelbarrow, and I have to share it with a raccoon.
Boss: It’s got extra pepperoni!
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Doctor: “I’m sorry, sir, but you have an STD. I suggest you make a list of all your partners–”
Lou Bega: “Way ahead of you.”
Prosecutor: What exactly were you doing May 26, 2016?
Me: According to my tweets, I was sitting in my car eating Wendy’s.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant