Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
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Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
Cardio Made Easy
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Science memes
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
If your partner says “if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new,” “anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in a traffic jam
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]