Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
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ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Me: Alexa, make me a drink.
Her: Mom, that’s not my name and I think you’ve had enough.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on