[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
You Might Also Like
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread
I judge the strength of the economy based on what type of candy people hand out on Halloween.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
The moment I met my mother-in-law, I could instantly tell that she was the type to unfairly judge me.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
This salad is delicious, probably because it’s a donut.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
*checks real estate listings on other planets*
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.