’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
You Might Also Like
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Designer: How big should the gap between the car’s front seat and center console be?
Boss: Big enough for your phone to fall through.
Designer: And also big enough for your hand to retrieve it?
Boss: haha oh goodness no
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Sometimes my laptop just stops responding and shuts down so at least we have that in common.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
My daughter called me “lame.” Let’s see how “lame” she thinks I am when I pick her and her friends up from the movies in a BOAT
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…