Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
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“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming