[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
You Might Also Like
“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Son, it’s ur 18th birthday, so I got u a brand new car…
“OMG DAD. WOW-”
…dboard box.
“But-”
Pack up, ur moving out birthday boy.
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
Fly me to the ouch
Let me play among the ouch
Let me see what ouch is ouch
On ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch.– Frank Piñata
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
‘I know a black person’
– White people
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert