The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
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The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
just make the entire table out of coaster
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
The Real Housewives franchise would be better if the season troublemaker got thrown in a volcano
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am