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A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
*6, wailing, carrying on*
Me: You can be a dramatic little bi…llion stars, strung together, shining brightly.
9, to his sister: That’s not at all what Mom wanted to say.
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel