I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
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I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
I’m getting targeted ads about chin fat and I’m offended by the relevance.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I…do not understand how electricity works.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
There’s absolutely no way Lady Gaga was born with half an Office Depot hot-glued to her head.
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS