5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
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Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Happy Taco Tuesday
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.