Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
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Married people be like:
[Quarantine, day 3]
It’s been 89 days since I last had sex
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
You know,this recliner and I go WAY back.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
They really need to stop naming hospitals after dead people.
Give us some hope.
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip