I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
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People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
Men, I’m going to let you in on a secret.
When us ladies go to the restroom, the very first thing we do is look deeply into the mirror and try to summon Bloody Mary. I don’t make the rules, it’s a fact. Second fact, ghosts are scary. So yeah, we go to the restroom in groups.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
mentally somewhere in italy
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
The morning after pill, but for tweets
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.