Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
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my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
BOSS: lunch on me today. any ideas?
“pizza”
“sushi”
ME: *suspicious that jeff in HR is an anteater* ants?
[i stare at jeff for his reaction]
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I gave up going to work for lent.
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
My goal was to pay off all my debt in 2022. I’ve already knocked down $9.17
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Sunday
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
hm. i’ve been alive 26 years and I still do not know what you’re supposed to eat for lunch on thanksgiving in order to maximize your dinner enjoyment
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
Still kinda pissed off that Octo-mom only has 2 arms