today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
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ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I’ve made it to 10am without eating my lunch what more do you want from me
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.