Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years
WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Yes, but it was never about money
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
[Jesus as a Doordash driver]
[Eats your fish and chips]
[Delivers double your original order]
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I asked my son to turn down his music and he ‘okayed boomer’ me so now we’re turning off the wi-fi for a bit
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.