My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
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Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams