tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
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Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
A zombie jumped out at me, in a haunted house, but he didn’t scare me. He did, however, catch my elbow in his face.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
All I’m saying is that just once it’d be nice for the cat to be the one pointing the laser for me to chase.
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
i wish i could marry a nap
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
what kind of cook setting is this??
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me