There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
You Might Also Like
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.
Coworker: “How’d you get that cut above your eye?”
Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* “STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!”
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
So, I’m officially off the market. Got a DM from a faceless Avi proposing marriage in broken English. We’re planning a June wedding!
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
He’s dead
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Accidentally threw my phone in the garbage bin outside while trying to toss a bag and if that’s not a sign from the universe I chose to ignore when I fished it back out I don’t know what is
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.
New Tinder profile.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …